Double-dog dairy
◊ Dairy products are bad. They increase mucus production, aggravate my seasonal allergies and make my lactose-intolerant stomach break down and cry.
I was vegan for a couple of months; I know I can live without dairy. I got by just fine on soy milk and soy ice cream.
Yes, I did. Stop laughing.
I resolved to reduce the dairy I consume to that which is found on or in pizza and nachos and the occasional pint of Ben & Jerry's. It was going just fine until I opened the fridge at my parents' house and came face-to-rind with a significant chunk of Gruyere.
Ah, Swiss cheese. My mom and aunt are from Switzerland, and from what they say, the Swiss aren't exactly the most thrilling, fun-loving or artsy Europeans. They're solid and dependable and very uptight. They're eminently reasonable. Still, there are some things they're good at and the ones that interest me most are chocolate, candy and cheese.
When my family talks about Swiss cheese, we do not mean anemic-looking, waxy slices of blandness with little holes in them. We mean cheese with bold aroma, firm texture and flavor that triggers the face you make when you cum so loud the whole block can hear it.
I couldn't resist. Doesn't matter that I'm already sick and coughing and I hardly need more mucus to choke on. My nose is runny, my throat feels like it's lined with a carpet of live bugs, but here I am chewing on a piece of cheese half the size of my fist.
Man, I wish I had willpower.