Brace yourself
◊ Now, maybe this particular freak-out is exclusive to those of us who underwent years of orthodontic torture, but ...
Have you ever had that dream where all your teeth fall out?
One of your teeth feels a little loose, so you poke at it with your tongue. It wobbles a little and then slowly, sickeningly slides right out.
Then your gums are all soft and mushy and your teeth just start plopping out. Sometimes they slide forward to the front of your mouth and you have to push them past your lips with your tongue and you're spitting out your own teeth and panicking. Other times they're all loose, barely anchored in your jaw, and you do everything you can to not probe them with your tongue and they start slipping out anyway.
Then when you wake up you're feeling your teeth with your fingers just to make sure your several-thousand-dollar smile is still intact.
Ugh.
I have talked to other people who have had braces, and they always have these dreams, usually long after they've had the braces removed.
In an ugly twist, it looks like my nightmare is coming partly true. I've been noticing one of my front teeth has been aching a little and doesn't seem to match up perfectly with the teeth next to it, but I figured I was making shit up because of the fever-induced delirium I've been suffering. (No shit, delirium: walls shimmying; dialogue with people who weren't there. The whole nine. I was fucked up with fever.)
Except it's really happening.
My teeth are slowly, gently pushing one of my teeth back so that it is no longer flush with the others.
Oh god. I'm 23. I love giving head. If I have to wear braces again, I'll kill myself.