Wonkavated
◊ Dear Johnny Depp,
I just saw the trailer, and I'm telling you, you better not fuck up Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when it comes out in July.
It's not about you; you've already got my unconditional trust. I've been nursing a crush on you for 11 or 12 years, since before I would've had any idea what to do with you if I landed you. If I'd managed to snare you when I was 12, I probably would've been content to play catch with you and go for long walks and make up pet names for you and brush your long hair. Yes, those are the same reasons my sister wanted a Yorkshire Terrier when she was 6, but gimme a break: I did eventually figure out the whole wanting-to-take-your-pants-off thing. But in the end, the crush was (mostly) about your acting.
And it's not that I distrust Tim Burton, exactly. The worst film I've seen by him was Sleepy Hollow, and that didn't suck. (I will admit I stayed far, far away from Planet of the Apes because, well, I'm not a geek boy, I'm a geek girl, so the monkeys just aren't as much my thing. Whatever.) Sleepy Hollow was a pretty bland action movie, but it did have 1) you being weird, which is always welcome, and 2) Christina Ricci's not-bared-but-still-cute boobies, so it wasn't at all bad. Big Fish, the most recent Burton flick I've seen, was awesome, even though Ewan McGregor talked all boring in it as an American with no sexy accent and no Trainspotting-esque nudity.
But with Wonka, you're taking a big, big risk. You are fucking with my Bible.
I watched the original Wonka incessantly as a kid and as a teen. I love that movie. There's no reason for anyone, ever, to remake that film. Nobody can top Gene Wilder. No way will you be allowed to make a movie as weird and un-PC and bratty as anything written by that great and occasionally infuriating curmudgeon Roald Dahl, who wrote the book and worked on the original movie's screenplay. Your safest bet is to make a clone of the movie, which is exactly what it looks like you're doing. And that's a shame. If the best you can come up with is an exact copy, you've got no business doing it at all.
I heard months ago that this movie was in the works, so I've had a lot of time to chew this over. I have a lot of faith in you and Burton. That's why I am reluctantly giving you two a chance. You have my permission to make the movie, even if it's just a clone. I'm hoping it'll be adequately weird; I'm guessing from your tragic wig in the movie (please, please tell me it's a wig) that nobody's trying to sex up this version. And it's got Christopher Lee at least doing a cameo, which can't hurt.
I understand that it's a bit late to be allowing you to make the film, seeing as it's already been filmed, but I don't care. It better be good. And if it's bad, you're in trouble. I will so punish you.
And it'll be hot.
So I guess I win either way.