When WASPS attack
◊ The latest opinions piece I'm writing for the paper. Don't blame me, it was written just before deadline and I really could've done better. Though I wish I could reach the incredible brilliance of this quote about the G. W. Bush ranch lie: "As far as I know, the 'Bush ranch' does not have a name.� How about he names it 'Neverland II' -- after Michael Jackson's 'Neverland Ranch' in California.� After all, neither Bush nor Jackson is a rancher, neither of them ever worked for a living, and GWBush is doing to the country what Michael Jackson is doing to little boys."
This year, the country�s ramping up for the biggest fashion show we have: the presidential election. Our next president could have the brains of a hamster and we wouldn�t care as long as he looks right, sounds confident and acts like he can do the job.
Americans like to believe we choose our presidents because of factors like political track records, awareness of issues important to the public and dedication to our country. We discuss military history, voting habits and party affiliations for months, then turn around and pick out the one guy in the race who looks least likely to embarrass us.
We don�t like troublemakers. Most of the voting process consists of filtering out anyone who looks too emotional, too unreliable or just too weird. Since we�ve spent the last four decades evaluating presidential hopefuls by how they look on TV, the keys to winning big in the presidential gamble are wardrobe, public speaking skills, an image management team and a bit of luck.
Any presidential candidate who looks bad on TV is right out: look at Howard Dean, Al Gore, Ross Perot and right on down to Richard Nixon in the first televised presidential debates in 1960. If you can�t hold up under the cameras, smoothly debate with opponents and smile in all the right places, you�re doomed. You can have all the smarts and skills in the world, but if you don�t look good in your five-second televised sound bites on the evening news, the American public just isn�t interested.
Sloppiness is the kiss of death for potential presidents: a bad haircut or an ill-fitting suit might have meant seriousness a hundred years ago, but now it just means that if we elect the guy, Europeans will have yet another reason to make fun of us.
Clothing, hair and accessories must be conservative and high-quality, never ostentatious. A candidate in a too-trendy suit might as well be wearing a t-shirt that says �I�m a fashion plate who�s going to blow your tax dollars on clothes, cars, women and drugs,� and we�re just not comfortable electing people like that to any spot higher than governor.
Accessories are dangerous ground. The right hat can do wonders: George W. Bush, a Yale grad and attendee of the Harvard Business School, has cemented his reputation as a folksy, down-home Texan by having camera crews film him wandering around the family ranch, wearing blue jeans and a crisp white cowboy hat.
He�d probably run screaming from cow pies just like the rest of us � he only bought that ranch in 1999, so he�s probably still getting used to it � but on camera, he�s a cowboy. The cowboy hat is an American classic with the kind of symbolism America loves; we just wouldn�t flock to a candidate who had himself filmed wearing a giant cheese-head hat at a Packers game.
Sports gear and vehicles pass as accessories, too: just look at John Kerry. He claims to love snowboarding, soccer, windsurfing, hockey and riding motorcycles. He�s been filmed trying his hand at several of the above and says he loves extreme sports. Kerry comes off as youthful and maybe a bit daring, but if he�s not careful, people will end up thinking he�s just a step away from that skater kid down the street who spends all his time playing video games and watching porn.
We want to believe that our presidential candidates were born wearing navy blue suits and clutching American flags. They need to be straight arrows from the very beginning, or as close as humanly possible: we can forgive Bill Clinton�s and George W. Bush�s flirtations with drug use � hey, they were young, and partying happens � as long as they can get that serious look in their eyes as they tap their fists against the lectern and recite catchphrases during debates.
Because, let�s face it: if some guy�s going to screw up our country, we want him to look good when he does it.