Work it out yourself
◊ Dear Loud Gossip:
Stop talking and get to work. And quit it with the baby-talk or I just may mistake you for an infant and "accidentally" stab you in the head with whatever's handy. Which in this case would be my CD wallet, a "365 bottles of beer" page-a-day calendar or a stapler. Right now, I'm thinking stapler. A staple to the cornea for every time you say "hella" looks just about right.
Dear Talks To Yourself:
If I am wearing headphones, there is only a 50 percent chance that I am actually listening to music. There is, however, a 100 percent chance that I am trying to avoid being drawn into your running monologue. Please stop rabbiting at me, or at least figure out that I am trying to ignore you.
Dear Mouth-Breather:
I will buy you decongestants, if that's what it takes. Just stop. Please. If you're feeling extra helpful, you could try not leaving an hour early, volunteering to share the heavy work load, or at least making it slightly less obvious that you're spending all goddamn night instant messaging.